They Called Me Self-Centered And I’m Okay With That. You Know Why?

how to get gorgeous pink lips naturally - A Fault By Default

Someone rightly said,

“Once You Have Figured Out How Respect Tastes Like, It Tastes Better Than Attention.”

And so, because I have learned self-respect matters more than love or relationship, I’ll walk away and never look back. I realized that I have forsaken every single desire of mine in the name of your preposterous salvation. More than anything, I have lost my happiness the most. I have sacrificed a thousand smiles and accepted infinite tears. And yet, have received nothing but sheer censure and pessimism.

But Not Anymore.

If I want something, I’ll take it. If my being self-centered is what makes you realize the pain and suffering I have gone through, I’ll become one. I am ready to be called a Narcissist. You know why? Because I can feel a storm inside me, something that makes it difficult to survive this hatred and cruelty of yours; and if this means sabotaging the relationship that I have with you, I’ll.

Do not think of my softness as my weakness. Honey and wildfire, both have the color of gold. I am a force you can’t withstand. I am a passion you cannot hold. I am the darkness you can’t embrace. I am the sky beyond your limit. I am the beauty beyond your imagination. I am the ocean whose mystery you cannot unravel. I am the quake that will shake you from within. I am the sweetest chastisement you will yearn for. I am the smile you’ll cry out for. You’ll crave for each letter of my name.

I have let gone off people in the past and I can do it again, with greater preeminence and ease. My emotions do not go in vain, my time doesn’t go valueless. Because I evolve. I evolve into a better human being and a stronger woman.

This time again, I have evolved into an improvised individual formed of learnings and experiences. I have evolved into someone your level of maturity can’t comprehend. So, today, I shout out loud, “I am proud of myself for being immensely considerate and selfless. I am proud of being able to love beyond my permissible limits and rise higher after heart breaks. I am proud of being courageously able to stand out in the world where I, as a woman, am objectified and questioned. I feel proud while leafing through the pages of my life by means of this article and confessing to each of you right now. Because in a world of hypocrites, pretense, pseudo-humans, I have evolved into an improvised version and a powerful woman who knows what she deserves.”

But now, I want to turn the tables. I want you to walk in my shoes and face the world. I want to set myself free from every societal limitation and relationships that tend to bound me. I no more seek validation from the undeserving to prove myself worthy. And certainly in a world of ours, when women tend to become the way I have, they are called selfish and self-centered.

 

Diary of a Girl Next Door – Part VII – Ranbir & Naira Kiss

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*ONE WEEK LATER*

Nine O’ Clock
I switched off the lights of my room as I was leaving for office. I stepped down the stairs and walked out the door.

“Naira, stop.” I heard someone call my name. I turned behind. It was Ranbir.
“What are you doing here? I asked you to stay away from me.”
“What other option did you leave at my disposal? I have been trying to talk to you for a week. You don’t answer my calls, don’t reply to my messages and even ignore me in the office.”
“Ranbir, after what you have done to me, what else do you expect from me?”
“Naira, sit inside the car.”
“No.”
“Enough. Sit inside the car.”
He looked into my eyes and said authoritatively.

I sat inside the car and we started off, apparently to the office. For the first couple of minutes, we stayed mum. Then I realized he took a different route, perhaps by mistake, I thought at once but he didn’t make a U-turn. If we continued on the same route, we weren’t going to reach office for sure.

“Where are we going?”

He turned towards me, looked into eyes but said nothing. Each time he looks at me, I feel the burgeoning of emotions that become difficult to subdue. I had fallen for his eyes, of which he plausibly had no idea.

“Ranbir, I am asking something.”
“Come on Naira, it’s the same route. Can’t you recognize it?”
“No.”
“We are going to my apartment.”
“What is left to be told now?”
“Naira, can we please continue the discussion once we reach there?”
“….”

Reached Q-145
“Water?”
“No.”
“Coffee?”
“Ranbir, I don’t want anything. Just tell me why have you got me here?”
“I’m making coffee.”

*Sipping Coffee*
“Naira, do you trust me?”
” You know what; I am just not able to comprehend anything you are saying.”
“That’s not the answer.”
“What do you want to hear?”
“Truth”
“I don’t see answering the question as anything important.”
“Look Naira, I did try to tell you. I tried telling you the evening I asked you to stay with me. And then, when I mentioned there’s something I am hiding from you. Also, when I said I need you to back off. I tried telling you each time but you never cared to listen or even if you did you were adamant on your decision that I made you happy and that you always chase your happiness.”
“I’m listening…”
“All I am trying to tell you is that I didn’t lie to you but yes I kept a secret, which I did try to disclose but the circumstances were such that I couldn’t.”
“Alright. Even if I believe you, is there anything that I can do about it? I mean you are married, Ranbir.”

“What if I tell you the truth and you don’t believe me?”

“At least you tried, I’d think.”

“Fine, you might find it entirely unreasonable and preposterous but I’ll speak the truth. I come from an orthodox family, to be precise, my grandparents. So, although it might sound like a movie, it’s the reality of my life that I’m sharing with you. Ananya and I got married in childhood because our grandparents wanted us to; you know the same old pratha and crap. We were raised up in the same city and hence, we were family friends. Even when we grew older, Ananya and I just stayed friends. Despite us being aware of the marriage that bound us in childhood, our parents never enforced it on us.  And hence, we simply chose to stay friends and move on in life. There was nothing more between us, ever. But I wanted you to be aware of it. Naira, honestly, there’s nothing to bother about.”
“Ranbir, you really want me to believe on this child marriage saga of yours?”
“I’m afraid so.”
“Well, whatever it is. It has nothing to do with me, whether you are married or not. I was just hurt because you lied to me.”
“So, you don’t care?”
“No, I don’t.”

He pulled me through the waist and held me strong. Looking deep into my eyes, he said,

“Naira, you really don’t care?”

And he pulled me even closer. I could feel his warm breath on my face. As he looked into my eyes, I could read the truth. He wasn’t lying to me but was afraid to tell the truth. Ranbir is a reserved guy who always liked to live in his personal zone until I came and he was ready to let me in. He was the guy I had been waiting for and for the first time in my life, I didn’t make a mistake. I made the right choice and I was proud of myself.

“No, I don’t.” I said with a smirk.
“Naira, I know you do. And there’s one more thing I want you to know.”
“Ranbir, another thing! Look, I have already had enou……”

Before I could complete, he locked his lips with mine, my eyes widened up in surprise and then slowly closed with his passion. I had never felt this way before. I could feel the butterflies not just in my stomach but everywhere, those vibes and his touch. He kissed me so passionately; I could feel his heart pounding and beating raised. His hold got firmer. In that moment, I knew he was madly in love with me.

“I love you” he whispered.
“I love you more.” I said.

We kissed again as he pushed me on the bed and…….

To be continued…..

Diary of a Girl Next Door – Part VI – Ranbir’s Apartment

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“Ranbir, why don’t you just tell me the reason, please?”

“Fine. I’ll take you to a place after office. You’ll find all your answers there.”
“I’ll be waiting..”

That entire day at office, I couldn’t concentrate on work. I am an emotional being and I wasn’t ready to accept his hatred or indifference. I was afraid, what if Ranbir tells me something I can’t accept, something I can’t understand, or something I can’t comprehend. I just kept my fingers crossed.

Six O’ Clock
“Naira, I am winding up my work, how long would you take?”
“I’m almost sorted. I’ll see you at the exit.”
“Sure.”

I was waiting at the exit with the thoughts swirling in my mind. Where is he taking me? What will he tell me? I felt my mind was getting jammed up with these continuous thoughts.

“Naira, you want to come along.” A colleague asked.
“No, I got to take the other route, you carry on.”
“Alright, see you tomorrow.”
“Sure, bye.”

Quarter Past Six
“You wait here. I’ll get the car from the parking.”
“No, I’ll come along Ranbir.”
“Okay.”

*He reversed the car and headed towards the parking exit.*
*Dead Silence till the midway*

“Can I ask you something if you don’t mind?”
“Yes, please.”
“Naira, you remember the other night I asked you to come home with me?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Why did you say no?”
*I agreed later. You turned me down.*
” But I did say yes later.”
“That’s not my question, why did you say no at the first place?”
“Because I thought I wasn’t prepared for it.”
“Prepared for what?”
“You know…”
“Naira, I thought you knew me as an individual. Did you really think I meant to do anything of that sort?”
“Ranbir, why are you asking me these things now? And where are you taking me?”
“We are going to my apartment. I told you there’s something I need to tell you.”

I didn’t say a word, just kept looking outside the Window. I had no thoughts, nothing at all. I was nervous and scared.

“I got to park the car here. It’s a walking distance of five minutes from here.”
“Sure.”
“Q-145, this is my apartment.”

*Unlocks the door*
“Don’t mind, it’s a little messed up.”
“Oh, that’s perfectly alright.”
“Water?”
“Umm..okay”

It wasn’t a huge apartment. Just a 2BHK, but the way the interior had been decorated was beautiful. There were wall hangings, hand crafted items and wooden photo frames. I kept looking at the painted walls and the interiors. He had an impressive apartment. While I was looking at the photo frames, I kind of got a glimpse of Ranbir’s family.

“Hey, they must be your Mom-Dad?
“Yes.”
“And that’s your brother, right? “
“Ahaan and his family!”
“Oh, a family photograph, you don’t have a joint family?”
“Well, I do have my cousins, but we all live separately.”
“Oh, Okay.”
“Hey, who’s this pretty woman in the family picture?”
“Ummm..her name is Ananya.”
“And she is your…?” while I was gazing at the other beautiful hand crafted items.
“Ananya is my wife.”

* For a few seconds, I just couldn’t react. I wasn’t sure if I heard it right. I felt a chill running down my spine.*

“I think I didn’t hear it right, what did you say, Ananya is your?”
“My wife.”
“What do you mean by my wife, how could you not tell me that you are married.”
*I was a little out of control. It was devastating.*

“Naira, it’s complicated.”
“How much complicated can it be than this? I want to go back.”
“Naira, you need to listen to me.”
“Listen to what? Your love story?”
“I’m leaving.”

*He held my hand and pulled me close. He looked straight into my eyes, and I realized that there’s something deeper than what I can see. But I wasn’t prepared for it, at least not now.*

“Naira, we don’t stay together anymore.”
“Oh, so that changes the fact that you are married? How could you hide it from me? You knew I was falling for you, you never thought about me even once?”
“Naira, if you don’t let me explain, how would you I prove myself worthy?”
“You broke me Ranbir.”
*Crying*

“Naira, at least listen to me once.”
“Do not ever try to contact me Ranbir. Stay away from me.”

I came back broke and crying. I wish he hadn’t lied to me. *How could he hurt me to this extent? Perhaps, Love isn’t meant for me, I should accept it.*

One Message Received
Ranbir: “There’s always more to it Naira…I wish one day you give me the chance to explain myself.”

 

Read Part VII Here

Diary of a Girl Next Door – Part V – Intense & Graver

Read Part IV

“Hello”
“Hi Naira, can we talk for a while?”
“What is it about?”
“There’s something I want to tell you, there’s something I am hiding from you…”

“But Ranbir, I’m out for dinner with my family.”
“Is there any way you can sneak away for a while and talk to me? It’s really important.”

“Who’s on the line, Naira?” My brother asked.
“It’s from the office Bhai.”
“Come on Naira, you can talk later.” Brother replied.

“I’m sorry Ranbir but I’ll have to talk to you later”
“Okay Naira. I’ll wait.”

Throughout the dinner, I kept thinking about it. What is it that he wants to tell me, what is it that he’s hiding from me, and why does he want to disclose it now? My mind was full of unanswered complicated set of questions. Nevertheless, I came back to the much-needed family time. We had been so occupied in our lives lately that we barely got time to sit with each other and I didn’t want to mess things up. It was Family Dine Out.

Quarter to Eleven:
*Ranbir, are you awake?* Message Delivered.

Eleven O’ Clock:
*I guess you’ve slept, Good Night Ranbir.* Message Delivered.

That night, Ranbir slept quite early, keeping me awake with his incomplete statement. There’s something he’s hiding from me. What could it be? Was he dating someone? Was he in love with someone? Wait, what if he’s already married to someone and kept it as a secret? Was he a secret agent on a secret mission? What on this planet was he hiding! These questions kept crossing my mind time and again. I wanted to have those answers and most importantly I was intrigued with the strange way Ranbir behaved that evening.

You’re the light, you’re the night
You’re the color of my blood
You’re the cure, you’re the pain
You’re the only thing I wanna touch…

The alarm rang. It was 8 AM. Without wasting any time, I rushed my way to the bathroom. I wore a formal black kurti with a pair of blue jeans and Kolhapuri chappals. Ranbir loved the color black on me, as he once mentioned in his archaic manner. While I was doing my hair, those unanswered questions started jolting in my head again.

*I should check my phone, Ranbir might have replied.*

*Phone Unlocked*
One Message Received.
“Good Morning, Naira.” Sent at 7Am

*Really? Just a normal message, nothing about last night’s conversation? This guy is just unpredictable and incomprehensible.*

Quarter to Ten
For a change, I reached office before time that day. I tried to get engrossed in work but my eyes were glued to the glass door waiting for Ranbir to enter.

Ten O’ Clock
Ranbir Enters.
“Naira, do you mind coming along to the Cafeteria?”
“Of course, not”
“I want you to listen to me very carefully.”
*Listening*

“Naira, there is a reason that I can’t let you invade my space. There’s a reason I have built this wall around me and you are trying to break that wall. I want you to back off.”
“Ranbir, we have already had this conversation in the past. And I clearly told you that I am chasing my happiness and as long as you make me happy, I am not going to back off.”
“Why don’t you understand?”
“Understand what?”
Things are not always as they appear to be; sometimes they are intense and graver than you think. I want you to back off and I’m saying that to you bluntly.” His lips trembled while he said.
“Ranbir, why don’t you just tell me the reason please?”
“Fine. I’ll take you to a place after office. You’ll find all your answers there.”
“I’ll be waiting…”

 

Read Part VI here

Read Previous Parts here

Diary of a Girl Next Door – Part IV – In a Dilemma

Read Part III here

Naira, what if I don’t drop you home tonight? I mean what if I take you to my place?

*What did he just say? Home? Why?*

Ummm………Ranbir…..what are you saying? Did I hear it right?”
“Yes, Naira. Stay with me tonight. I want to talk to you the entire night.”
“But Ranbir, it’s already pretty late, and it just doesn’t make sense. I should be home before 11.”
“But what if I refuse to drop you home?” he asked with a smirk.

I was utterly baffled and amazed. I had those butterflies, leave the stomach, I could feel them everywhere. I was in a dilemma of going back or staying over. But somewhere deep inside, I made myself sure that I would not stay over.

I’ll come with you some other time, may be.

Ranbir isn’t a bad guy so I was pretty sure that his intentions were good and undoubtedly clean. If he said talking, I knew he meant talking and nothing more.

“Are you sure you want to go back Naira?”, he asked one last time..
“Yes.”
“Okay, let’s go home then.”

He reversed the car and took the route back to my place. The destination wasn’t too far, but we took a while to reach back, he chose to drove slow. There was profound silence between us throughout the way.

Naira, we are almost here”, he broke the silence.
” Yeah, I know but..”
“But what?”
“What if I say I don’t want to go back? What if I say I want to talk all night? “
“Naira, we are outside your home. Why would you say anything like that to me now?”

*Really? That’s how he’s reacting..*

Because I am feeling this now”
“Feeling what?”
“I like being with you Ranbir and you know that. You make me happy.”
“You are a really sweet girl Naira but this is unreasonable.”
“Unreasonable? What do you mean?”
“You should go back.”
“Well, I get that but you asked me to stay. And now, you are behaving in an absolutely strange manner. I mean if you didn’t mean it, why did you say it?”
Oh come on Naira, I wasn’t serious. I was just being playful. This is so unreasonable of you to even think of it this way.” he said in a daunting manner but his eyes spoke something else.
*You didn’t have to be rude*

I stepped out of the car and went upstairs. That night, I saw another side of Ranbir, it was mysterious and attractive. I read his eyes, I knew he wanted me to stay, but why did he push me away? I could not understand what he actually wanted from me or his life, why wasn’t he ready to take a step forward.

Next day in the office, he kept looking at me constantly. He even tried to initiate a conversation but I walked away. And what else should have I done, I was mad at him for last night. And some how he had guessed it right.

Nine o’ clock: *Message from Ranbir*
“Are you angry with me?”
*Of course I’m angry* I ignored his message.

Quarter Past Nine: *Ranbir Calling*
Heart beat raising, hands shivering, thoughts swirling..

Hello”
“Hi Naira, can we talk for a while?”
“What is it about?”
“There’s something I want to tell you, there’s something I am hiding from you…

 

Read Part V Here

Read the Previous Parts Here

Diary of a Girl Next Door – Part III – Thoughts Swirling in Mind

Read the Previous Parts Here

After that night, I could sense it! My feelings were growing for him immensely. Earlier the feelings grew intermittently, but this time, it was different and instant. It was like a terrific mount, you know something like, woosh *LotsofLove*. I know it sounds kind of crazy but undeniably true it was. And then I realized it might land me up in a huge problem.

Well, problem because I already had a long history of awfully unsuccessful relationship(s) and the way each of them came to an end was terrible. From a Nerve-wracking experience to a heart-aching one, it made me experience every horrible thing. To be honest, I had been broken beyond repair. And so, I was afraid and terrified. Afraid of the whole love thing; afraid that I’m again going to be drunk on the idea that love, and only love can heal my brokenness. More than the fear of falling in love, it was of an unsuccessful relationship. Nevertheless, I somehow made peace with the demons inside me, as there wasn’t even a question of ‘relationship’, especially after the way he had clearly spoken about his personal space. I was worried, what if I fell for him even more and he didn’t at all.

With all these thoughts swirling in my mind, I somehow managed to fetch some sleep. Next morning, with the Sun shining awkwardly bright, I woke up, of course, a little later than my usual timings. Anyway, I rushed my way to the office. In a hurry, I climbed up the stairs on my way up to the office as the lifts weren’t working due to some Power cut.

With messed up hair, and heavy breaths, *Bang* I collided with the Office Door. Everyone was looking at me, may be because I made a remarkable entry. If at all, the attention I was getting wasn’t enough, I almost tripped on my way to the locker, now I had their undivided attention. Without looking elsewhere, I walked straight towards the restroom, “Huh”. I calmed myself and groomed. *Now it’s better*

As I walked towards my work station, I saw him there, sitting right in front of me. Without exchanging any greetings with anyone, including him, I quietly sat on my desk, plugged in the headphones and got involved with the piled up work that I was supposed to complete. “Naira, come let’s have lunch”, a voice came from behind. He was standing right behind me with that pleasing smile on his face. “I’ll do it later Ranbir, you carry on” I replied. It appeared he wasn’t really happy with the reply and so he asked again, emphasizing on having lunch together, of course with everyone else, “Everyone is having lunch, come along Naira”. And so I went along. After the lunch, we came back to our work station; with almost no conversation at all, he spoke nothing to me, and neither did I. The day at work ended abruptly as we didn’t exchange any Goodbye greetings, nothing at all.

The day appeared to be incomplete, I kept thinking about him while taking a walk after dinner. I missed him, so I thought of taking a chance.

*Dialing Ranbir*
“Yes, Naira”, he answered the call.
*I so miss you right now* were my senses, luckily not my words.
“Was just getting bored, felt like going on a drive”.
“Oh, okay”
*really who replies with an Okay to it*
“What’s up with you?”
“Nothing, just deciding what to have for dinner.”
“Umm okay. I was just thinking if you and I go for a drive.”
“Oh, Sure”
*Dumb, I mean right now*
“So, Ranbir what time are you coming?”
“Oh, you meant now? It’s 10.15pm”
“Yeah. I just thought..umm..never mind”
” Hey, Naira! Listen, I’ll be there in 15mins”
*Excited. Shocked. Nervous. Dancing. Ranbir is coming!Yayyy*

It was 10.30pm. The screen flashed, Ranbir calling. “Naira, I am downstairs.” He took me to an absolutely unromantic and utterly short drive. But on the way back home, he said something completely unexpected.

“Naira, what if I don’t drop you home tonight? I mean what if I take you to my place?”

“Ummm………Ranbir…..

 

Read Part IV

Read the Previous Parts Here

Diary of a Girl Next Door – Part II – A Sip of Sangria

Read Part I here

The next day things seemed different to me, I felt a little uneasy around him. I would not call that uneasiness as something discomforting or displeasing, in fact I felt more excited and euphoric. And all this because of that one hour long conversation we had.

The entire day in the office and even next couple of days went just the same, exchanging greetings and compliments and that was it, until one day. Until one day, when he suddenly asked me out for dinner. There was a text from him “Hi Naira, Let us meet Sunday Evening at 7, but it isn’t a date“. I felt awkward and thrilled all at once. But then I reluctantly agreed, because I wanted to know why would he ask me out with a disclaimer. Nevertheless, I eagerly waited for Sunday to come. “Naira, I’m there downstairs“, Ranbir was right there bang on time. “I’ll need a couple of minutes more“, I said. “Take your time please“, he replied.

I came downstairs and sat in the car, a little clumsy, a little nervous and of course in a perplexed state of mind. He played some soft music and said “We are a little late already, I had made a booking“. My eyes sparkled as I looked at him awestruck, “Oh, you planned it!”, I said. “I like things planned“, came his calculative reply. And I kept quiet till we reached our destination – Barcelos, Sector 29.

A simple yet nice, completely unromantic place, of course it wasn’t a date at all. But it was more than just dine out too. I was quietly listening to his daylong experiences as I took a sip of Sangria and then he suddenly said, “You know it’s not right. You are invading my personal space and I’m not ready for it“. I didn’t know what he was talking about or at least I pretended so. “We are different Naira, we are really different“, he said. And then I was pretty clear, he knew about my feelings for him.

So, I thought of not hiding it anymore. I said to him openly and bluntly, “You make me happy and contended. And since I love to see myself happy, I’ll keep doing it. If you want to define a line do it, I’m not stepping back.” Silence and Smiles is what we exchanged till the evening ended. He dropped me home, without saying anything more than “Take care“, and I went inside bidding good bye.

But later that night, something unexpected happened. I didn’t see that coming……

Read Part III here